The day before Thanksgiving I found myself doing something I swore I’d never do: watching Twilight in a movie theater. I did it because I was with two of my little cousins (15 and 17, respectively), and I love my family. I have slept through like all of the Lord of the Rings movies for them, so when my cousins wanted to see Breaking Dawn, I gulped, shrugged, and pulled out my phone to record observations for this blog.
Breaking Down, Pun Intended
1. Her mom always wears American Eagle shorts.
2. Alice has Pixar Animated Movie mom hair.
3. Ikea lamps in her bedroom, holla!
4. Totally flat delivery: ‘I’ve been waiting a century to marry you, Miss Swan.’ I don’t buy it.
5. A, my 17 year-old cousin, would like me to note that Edward is way more attractive in this one.
6. What’s that weird puppy painting by her bed? Are we supposed to buy that she has interests aside from Edward?
7. Bella. Still with the overtweezed eyebrows. What’s the symbolism of this, do you think?
8. Here comes the (hyperventilating) bride!
9. Man, the giveaway scene is so literal in this movie.
10. URINA?! BEST NAME EVER!
11. Vampire-werewolf dramz at weddings is the worst!
12. Alice’s gender policing gives femmes a bad name! Bella, you should wear whatever shoes you want.
13. She’s always more excited to see Jacob! They’re being so inappropriate.
14. If you’re crying at your wedding, that’s not cool. Especially if it’s over some other dude.
15. OKAY, BOYS, NOBODY MAN-HANDLE BELLA. Bella, stand up for yrself.
16. Says Edward, ‘I’m nothing if not traditional.’ Gag me with a spooooooon!
17. Says Edward, ‘Bella, I can’t tell you how sorry I am.’ …Because I’m obviously not capable of emotion.
18. Really don’t get the concept of ‘imprinting.’ Someone explain it to me steb by step. It’s way different than what I learned from Fly Away Home.
19. The poor housekepers! Edward & Bella don’t even apologize for their mess. Classism, ugh.
20. Why on earth wouldn’t they use protection?!?!? A 100 year-old man isn’t considerate or wise enough to use a condom. COME OOOOON!
21. No abortions even in the event of accidental impregnation by a demon (this law coming soon to a legislative body near you!).
22. G, my 15-yo cousin says, ‘Yeah, her baby bump’s freaking disgusting!’
23. Bella’s pregnancy look: heroin chic.
24. The werewolves really DO sound like Power Rangers. Thank you for this tiny gift, Hollywood.
25. Someone’s always after Bella, & 2 dudes are always watching out for her, & I’m always being a Twilight downer. (Sorry, blogreaders.)
26. ALT ENDING: Sam’s ex & Jacob imprint on each other, effectively preventing Jacob from becoming a sick pedophile. : (
27. Says Bella, ‘It feels complete when you’re here, Jake.’ BELLA TOTALLY WANTS TO BE POLY WITH JACOB. WOAH.
28. Why the styrofoam cup full o’ blood. Not environmentally responsible. Minus ten points.
29. Just wash the bloody baby already!
30. Jacob (about the love of his life who is a NEWBORN BABY, GROSS): ‘You would be anything that she needs: a friend, a brother, a protector.’ What about a partner instead? I am firmly of the belief that no one needs a protector. Except babies & kids. They need protectors…from pedophiles. So…
31. G turns to me and says, ‘Look she’s gonna get boobs!’ And she did.
Now that we are done with Twilight, can you guess what cultural artifact inspired my outfit today? Hint: it has nothing to do with Twilight and everything to do with the early ’00s.