The Twilight Zone

Last weekend I had the distinct honor of being invited to watch the first three Twilight movies. Well, technically, only my mom was invited. However, it was her first time out of the house since her surgery, so I accompanied her like the dutiful daughter I am can be.

As we ventured out into the dark windy night, I braced myself. Six hours of TV-viewing in one go is way too much for me. And, for now, let’s just say I have a complicated history with Twilight (I’ll elaborate later). Considering that I wouldn’t have spent my Saturday this way by choice, I decided to make a game of it. I would jot down my observations as I watched and then make a blog post (this one, right here!) of them. My mom’s friend couldn’t find her copy of the first movie, and I fell asleep five minutes into Eclipse, so I only saw the second movie. And now… Behold…

Super Scientific Observations of New Moon

!!!!!!!!!!!! SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT !!!!!!!!!!!

(You’ve been warned.)

1. Why isn’t she more excited about her digital camera?

2. Or seeing her friends?

3. Or kissing her boyfriend?

4. She’s definitely more excited about Jacob. Maybe this is why everyone seems to be on Team Jacob.

5. Look at her possessive boyfriend brooding while her Native American boytoy gives her a dreamcatcher. (Note to self: look up the specific history of the dreamcatcher. I hope it is at least from the Pacific Northwest.)

6. Says Edward, ‘Bella, you give me everything just by breathing.’ Says I, ‘BARF, BARF, BAAAAAAARF.’ Also, good thing because she doesn’t do much else.

7. Of course he knows Romeo & Juliet by heart… If I didn’t hate Twilight for being anti-feminist, I’d certainly hate it for being trite.

8. Bella is completely emotionless.

9. She has the most modest dress at her birthday party.

10. Why can’t she turn herself into a vampire? I mean, I get the logistics, but why does it have to be Edward who changes her? Okay, I get the metaphor (gross), but wouldn’t it be cool if she got changed by Alice? And they would play the song ‘Sisters Are Doin’ It For Themselves Now.’ Then Edward would be all, ‘This is way cooler than when I liked you just for breathing! I love that you are an independent individual!’ That movie would be so cool.

11. Edward and Bella make kissing look so painful. Plus, too many moan-y sounds, & she’s completely emotionless when she says she loves him.  You’re not fooling nobody, grrrrl.

12. She hates pictures of herself. Seriously???

13. Her clothes are dull.

14. Edward is so mean to her! Bella should stand up to him instead of being all mumbly when he says he doesn’t like her anymore and forbids her from running away from home. (Obviously, I agree that she shouldn’t run away from home, but it should be her decision.)

15. Edward and Bella talk to each other like strangers. And he’s definitely the authority figure.

16. So she tripped or fainted or something, and some old man rescues her. Our poor, helpless heroine…

17. Says Bella in a letter to the vamps, ‘You’ve disappeared. Like everything else. Now who can I talk to?’ I say, ‘Bella, try talking to a mental-health professional!’

18. I REALLY LIKE HER FRIEND JESSICA. WHY IS SHE SUCH A MINOR CHARACTER?! I say, ‘Jessica, I don’t get the fascination with zombies, either!’

19. Okay, just when she was starting to hang out with someone else an Edward-head hologram appears to warn her (read: distract her from fun with Jessica, who doesn’t suck as much as the rest of the characters!), & he’s just as bossy & condescending as the real Edward.

20. She’s rebelling against Edward. Because he’s like her dad. Because this movie is messed up.

21. So the only people she feels comfortable around are love-interests (or people related to her vampire boyfriend). Textbook codependency.

22. I may have missed something (because this movie is as boring as this blog entry), but why is her dad bragging to her about being a famous ladies’ man? Creepy. Also, Charlie, not all wimyn are the same. Maybe your unqualified generalizations are the reason you’re single! (That was kind of catty. I’m pretty sick of this movie. Sorry.)

23. RIDING A MOTORCYCLE WITHOUT A HELMET? AGAIN?

24. Edward holograms haunt her anytime she does something stupid.

25. Bella’s eyebrows are over-tweezed.

26. Jacob is like this alpha-male protector figure. Figures…

27. Isolation from friends. The hallmark of abusive relationships.

28. Bella says to Jacob, ‘You can’t break up with me. I mean, you’re my best friend.’ I add, ‘Oh wait, both things are true ’cause I don’t have any relationships aside from romantic ones!’

29. Enter the only Black vampire in the movie. I’m getting an evil vibe… Dicey territory, Twilight!

30. CGI animation is for the birds. Especially when they do the wind-blowing-through-fur thing. Too much!

31. Gratuitously shirtless Jacob in Bella’s bedroom. Totally get why people call this ‘abstinence porn.’ The relationships are based only on physical attraction and messed-up power dynamics.

32. Of course you’d run away with Jacob, Bella. You’d give up everything for any boy. Plus, you have no social life aside from your boyfriends, so it’s not like you’d be giving up much.

33. ‘You can’t run with vampires…’cause they’re fast.’ Maybe there’s some subtext I’m not getting, but combined with the totally-flat delivery, this dialogue is killing me.

34. This is the most boring movie ever.

35. Bella’s lonely. She could join a club, take a class, watch TV on the internet, see a licensed therapist (please!)…or she could jump off a cliff in hopes of seeing a hologram of her patronizing ex-boyfriend.

36. The choice is obvious.

37. Good thing her current boyfriend can come to the rescue!

38. Doesn’t this movie have any kind of soundtrack? The score is this repetitive twinkle string music that sucks.

39. The Romeo & Juliet supercontext is too much. Gotta admit, I wouldn’t mind it if they actually died.

40. What is it with dudes telling Bella to do things for her dad?

41. First decent outfit: Alice in the yellow Porsche.

42. Bella’s never excited! She’s not even excited about being in Italy.

43. Edward looks really weird shirtless. I don’t get why.

44. Worst Dakota Fanning role ever. I can’t even decide whether or not I like her outfit.

45. This movie is so slow. I’m bored.

46. Alice’s flippy hair makes me wish it were 2004. I would be all about that in 2004.

47. Says Edward, ‘Marry me, Bella.’ An imperative. How typical.

VERDICT: Still do not understand Twilight‘s popularity in the slightest.

Next time on sensitivityandgrace: My complicated history with Twilight.

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The Twilight Zone

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